Einstein said that the only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. Birthdays and New Years and Christmases all mark the passage of time. Of course Christmas and New Years are bullshit. Not only is Christmas on the wrong date, but new year is only a new year according to the Gregorian calendar, which doesn't account for the earth's real age of 13 and a half billion years.
I feel pressure to celebrate my birthdays in a certain way. Alcohol is a given. I feel pressure to get drunk for some reason. It won't happen. Not tonight Josephene. In truth i see no point at all in celebrating getting older. Older and wiser they say. Yes, i can see that. Older and more jaded, bitter, opinionated. I can definitely do those things. Fact is i feel no different today than i did yesterday, except that now i'm reviewing the last year and feeling like i'm still not living up to my own expectations.
The other point is i feel no different today than i did when i was 24. Will it always be like this? Only with stiffer bones? Stop sniggering at the back. Space and time are intrinsincally mixed. As you move through space, so too do you move through time, and the faster you go the more time alters. But, the kicker is that it only alters for you. You can travel through time in one way, while the rest of us are just living it one second at a time. This indicates that there was no master clockmaker as a diety, who wound the universe up and then just left it to tick away second by second. Your life might be going painfully slow right now, and someone else's is steaming along, and yet we're all living 24 hour days. We're all living in our own universe, our own space and time, and its a spooky thing.
I think when you get to this age, birthdays are great if you can share them with someone. Someone who knows what makes you tick, and what would make you happy. I believe birthdays shouldn't involve any effort from you to make it a good time, it should all be done for you. Tonight, i either have to make my own fun or i'm stuck at home again, and being stuck at home on your birthday isn't a cool thing to be.
Last year, my ex-girlfriend took me London to see Derren Brown. I knew nothing of it beforehand, she woke me up, tickets in hand. That's the kind of thing i'm talking about, that's the kind of birthday to have when you realise you don't really get presents anymore, just cards and best wishes. I've missed seeing her this year, and i've definitely missed being suprised by someone that knows me that well.
My son still has BIRTHDAY birthdays, and he already has his birthday list ready for September. I'm sure it'll all change before then, but having a present in mind, and secretly knowing you're likely to wake up to it on the day of your birth used to be many an exciting thing.
Maybe that's what i'm getting at. Today hasn't been exciting, it's been mildly depressing and the thing that's adding to the depressing feeling is that it's only me that can do anything about today. It's only me that can turn it around. I don't feel up to it this year, i'm getting too old for it.
