Optimist Prime

My friend Dave once challenged me to write an optimistic blog. I suppose this is it.

The funny thing - to me anyway - is that I've been turned into an optimist on some things simply because everyone else seems hell-bent on being a pessimist about them. Its part of my contrarian make-up I suppose.

Still, I believe I'm right on this, otherwise I wouldn't waste my time blogging it.

Inspired (or pissed off by) a person who will remain nameless yet is linked to me on Facebook, I feel the need to address the notion that, as a species, we're heading for calamity / oblivion / certain doom.

Whether it be our dependence on something finite - namely oil, or global warming, over-population, freak weather occurrences, nuclear war, or even an asteroid striking the earth, certain people feel compelled to ruin everyone's good mood by pointing out that the good times have been and gone, and we must knuckle down and prepare for the worst.

The worst is subjective of course, and such thoughts come only from a white idiot living in a western culture. And I say this because to me, such thoughts can only be entertained because a person's life is so good. To a starving individual living in third world conditions, whether or not we're prepared for the financial meltdown that will come from lack of oil is slightly lower on the priorities list - and certainly not 'the worst' in their eyes compared to where the fuck is the next meal coming from TODAY.

Its almost like people look round in a panic when they realise they're okay. That life is okay, and thanks to the systems put in place and the love of those around them, it will pretty much always be okay. Its common for pessimists to look for the bad when everything is good.

So let's start with an amazing quote by a chap called Thomas Babington Macaulay. He said, "On what principle is it, that when we see nothing but improvement behind us, we are to expect nothing but deterioration before us?".

Brilliant. Think about his point. There are many things that could upset the boat and throw us all overboard, but coulds are all around us. You could get knocked down tomorrow, or you could live until you're 100. Which 'could' do you prepare for? You probably, like me, indeed like all of us, prepare for a little of both. So bad things could happen, but if history is our guide, we'll only ever improve our lot. And not just our lot either, the lives of those less fortunate than us here in the west. Its not that things can only get better, its that things are great and getting better all the time for us lucky ones here.

The species known as human beings are fucking incredible. They are ingenious. They've developed all sorts, from the Wunderbra to space travel. Whatever comes our way, we will invent our way out of it. Its what we do. Its why we've got this far and, even though this view makes me remarkably unpopular, its what separates us from the animals. They've evolved to suit their surroundings, we create our surroundings. We also cheat evolution. Every time you have sex using a prophylactic, you're cheating an evolutionary drive. Every time you fly on holiday, you're saying "Evolution, we can't wait around for you to develop humans with wings, we'll do it ourselves". We're smart enough to do this.

We've also fucked up. Developing nuclear weapons, giving ourselves the ability to blow ourselves to oblivion may not be seen as a smart move. I think it is. I think we have become the very Gods we used to worship. The problem is not with the design and development of the weapons, but rather with the people who control them. That's for another blog though.

There's also people who think we're damaging this world beyond repair. Any alarmist news story will tell you that there's a number of species being wiped out. We are making species extinct with our lust for destroying the planet. Factually, only 1% of ALL species are alive right now. The other 99% are already extinct. We didn't wipe them out, because we couldn't have, because we weren't around. Mother Nature did it instead. But how many environmentalists want to have a go at Mother Nature? None of them, because she knows what she's doing. Let her do it then.

A catastrophic incident, such as an asteroid striking the earth or the volcano in Yellowstone Park erupting (its past due for an eruption, which would spew enough ash into the atmosphere to block out the sun and...well, in a nut shell, kill us all. And they're worried about you driving a 2 litre car because it 'pollutes the atmosphere'?), is something that you really cannot do much about. But maybe, one day and hopefully pretty soon, some smart arse will invent a preventative measure to things such as this. We can do it. We have the technology.

At the start of the 20th Century, some idiot claimed that everything that could be invented, has been invented. We were supreme, there was nowhere else to go. How wrong can one person be? Things have come along since then that have blown minds, made living easier, and saved countless lives. We're at the start of the 21st Century now, and you can bet your life savings (not much of a gamble for me) that the same thing will happen again. A citizen of England in 1901 could not have conceived the idea of the iPod. Not a chance. It would be Martian technology to them. Here we are and its commonplace. Think of what's in store for us, and our grandchildren.

It will be amazing. And the best thing of all, your grandchildren will be around to see it, experience it, and love it, regardless of what the doom-mongerers say.

Sense Or Ship

During the mid 90's, I was extremely interested in film. Whilst I'd watch pretty much anything, I preferred films of a violent nature. Not gratuitous violence and especially not horror, but films such as Goodfellas, Pulp Fiction and Lost Highway were favourites. I loved the idea of being a film maker, I thought the combination of story, visuals and music were a great form of expression.

One film I got particularly excited about was Natural Born Killers. Not only did I greatly admire its director, Oliver Stone, but the word in the film magazines was that it was like nothing else you'd seen visually, combining 35mm film, animation, Super 8 and black and white. Sounded like a trip. Sadly, the BBFC declared it unsafe for the general public, and promptly banned its release. I went into a teenage piss about it at the time. I loathed the idea of censorship and wondered what the hell was so bad about a movie. Did it have subliminal messages telling you to kill? That would surely be the only reason to ban it.

Eventually, and with a few more edits, the BBFC said we could see it. My friends and I bought tickets to a very early screening and queued up with a mob of other people, we were all convinced it would one day be banned again and we wanted to see it before that happened. When they opened the doors for us, people ran down the corridor towards the screening room to ensure they got a good seat, it was like a riot of our own.

As it happens, NBK is an enjoyable film, but its violence remains comic-book. Its ludicrous, over-the-top gumpf really. I love the guerilla way it was shot and cut, and I like its comment on the media because in giving the movie the attention they did, they practically proved its point.

Today then, I read that the BBFC had banned The Human Centipede 2. Now, I haven't seen the first Human Centipede. I'm not a horror fan. About the only horror film I bothered to watch lately was the first Saw movie, which I really enjoyed. I do however, know what The Human Centipede is about. Its pretty sick , I'm not sure how you'd think it up and then convince a studio to give you a million bucks to go make it. It was apparently based on the actions of the Nazis, specifically people like the Angel of Death, Josef Mengele. Either way, I knew I wouldn't enjoy it so I didn't watch it. That's kind of an important point.

Reacting to the ban, the film's director, Tom Six, has said "Apparently I made an horrific horror film, but shouldn't a good horror film be horrific? It is all fictional. Not real. It is all make-belief. It is art. Give people their own choice to watch it or not. If people can't handle or don't like my movies they

just don't watch them,"

Now, I might agree with Tom on that one. I might say he has a point...film making is an art form and it's expression. However, his defence kind of falls down when you watch this:

This clearly shows that Mr. Six revels in his quest to make something outrageously sick for no other reason than to make something outrageously sick. He didn't expect his movie to get banned when he made the trailer, so he made no apologies for it and even went to the egotistical length of casting himself in his own trailer. If Scorsese doesn't do that, I don't see why this guy thinks he has a license to.

So in my youth, I'd consider the idea of censorship an appalling one. My chief argument, was that if the members of the BBFC can watch the film and not turn into axe-wielding, homicidal maniacs, then so can I. And that may be true. But I was making the mistake that everyone is as switched on as I. I know the line betwixt fiction and fact, and maybe you do too. But there are some that don't, that will use something like NBK or Reservoir Dogs as a trigger for an act of violence.

Now, in film it works something like this: Man pisses other man off, so hits other man. Other man acts hurt, holds his injury and says something clever.

In real life, it works like this: Man pisses other man off, so hits other man. Other man isn't expecting this, so is floored by the blow, he hits his head on the pavement and suffers bleeding on the brain. He now requires 24 hour care and can't speak.

Its an extreme example, but it can happen. The reason for the difference is that its no good for the script if one of its protagonists becomes a vegetable. Life has no such problems though, its anything goes. Film tries its best to show the consequences of actions, but many times it fails miserably.

You'd have to consider the idea that if film influences others to carry out violent acts though, then the most deranged people are the censors themselves. Since they are not, you might think that the censors are like our parents, deciding what is okay for us to see. Insulted? You'd have good reason to be. You'd also be guilty of not thinking about the fucking muppets out there, who see Goodfellas not as a ground-breaking movie, but a handbook on how to be a cunt.

There has been a great deal of research on a concept called 'Priming'. Here an individual is provided - unknowingly - with a stimulus. It can be a variety of things - words, images, even temperature. One such experiment gave a group of people words to read such as Florida, Retirement, Pension. Another group were given random words to read. As they left the experiment, the participants' walk back down the corridor to the exit was timed. The group that read the words such as retirement and pension walked a great deal slower than they did when they came in. The control group walked at the same speed. The experimental group had been 'primed' to think about old age, therefore they walked slower. And for those wondering, Florida is a popular state to retire to in America.

Another experiment used temperature to prime people's opinion. One group were given a cold beverage to hold before they met someone, and another group a hot beverage. The group that held the hot drink thought more highly of the person they met than the cold, even though the questions the person asked were the same. One group 'warmed' to him, the other didn't. This is scientific, and it proves that your decisions are not as free as you might like to think.

To this end then, surely its probable that movies can prime you for actions. When Wimbledon is on the TV, more kids take up tennis. When kids of my age watched Rocky, they wanted to take up Boxing. When my brother and I used to watch the A-Team as kids, we'd spend the next few days re-enacting it. When I've just watched a Formula 1 race, I drive faster. If I watch a sad movie, it makes me sad. If it can illicit that response, that emotion, surely it can illicit others too. Yes I might be able to keep an eye on the line between carrying out an act and just thinking about it, but I am one of billions. Unless the probability for an event is zero, it will happen one day, given a long enough time line. And there's very few events that have a probability of zero. It makes sense then, that some unhinged individual will attempt to recreate things they have seen on celluloid.

Films have endings, either happy ones or otherwise. Life doesn't. It has consequences that reverberate for a considerable time. Even if YOU die, everyone else carries on, and the things you've left behind, be it art, kids, or just a bloody mess, will remain for a time after you've gone.

It could be said that the only people pissed off about the ban on The Human Centipede 2, are those that wanted to see it. If you want to see films of this nature, then I'd be quite happy to book you an appointment once I complete my Psychology degree.

Our Met Office, Who Art In Heaven

So stepping down from my global warming soap box was no hardship whatsoever. I'd looked into it, with more vigour and attention than I originally planned, I'd drawn my own conclusions (critical thinking - get a load of me) and moved on. I used to get annoyed or to a lesser degree - bothered, by people subscribing to every alarmist news story they heard / read. Now, I just do my very best to ignore it.

However one thing I do like to do when I have some free time (ha!), is to peruse the news pages of The Independent's web site. Every single time they do a story about global warming there's a number of people on there arguing about it. A couple of usual suspects, namely someone called Scooby2 and someone else called Icarus-somenumbersorother.

These two are part of a fascinating breed of apparently intelligent people, who point blankly refuse to acknowledge any evidence, point, or opinion to the contrary of their own. For my money, intelligent people don't do this. Blinkered idiots do this. Ignorami if you will. Intelligent people aren't supposed to. They can counter your argument effectively if they so wish, and then you can counter back and maybe you'll both learn something along the way and MAYBE, one of you may change your opinion.

I'm being idealist.

Still, for me it remains a viable course of events. These people however, resort instead to chest-beating and childish name calling. If you dare question what they're saying, they'll belittle you, ridicule you, chastise you and tell you in no uncertain terms that you're a moron. The irony is tangible.

Its fortunate for me that I stepped off the soap box before I happened upon this interesting little world, for I can imagine myself getting quite wrapped up in it. I drop the odd comment in here and there, usually just to wind people up for tis fun, but I don't get into the statistic quoting rants of many.

Global warming has become the new religion, and scooby and icarus are just two of the many high-priests of it. Just as you couldn't say anything nasty about God a couple hundred years ago without being burnt at the stake, so too must you keep your questioning mouth shut about all matters pertaining to the reliability of global warming stats.

Of course if you're reading this you have exceptional taste, and you know as well as I do that the point of science is to question...well, everything. And not just once either. Again and again. Despite what Barack says, the science is never settled. Look at the way atomic theory has changed, look at the way the theory of gravity has changed. Google phlogiston if you want to see how times change and how scientists get it wrong. In fact the 'climate change' phenomenon started in the 70's when scientists claimed the earth was heading towards an ice age, and we need to act now to stop it. Incidentally these same scientists are now advocates of global warming. Do they go where the funding is? You decide.

As a species, we are ever learning, and nothing is certain. Its to be embraced, not backed away from.

To take the piss out of someone who disagrees with you is the action of someone terrified that there is a hole in what they're saying, and any further enquiry and it runs the risk of being exposed. So they shoot you down with attacks on your character or your opinions. The comparisons between religious nut jobs and global warming activists are many, and they're eerily similar. Their behaviour fascinates me, as it should being a Psychology student, but sadly unlike many behaviours its not kept to the individual. This behaviour is affecting the budgets and actions of the world's biggest economies (except China), ergo its affecting the lives of everybody, its also breeding a lot of paranoia and bullying.

Making the human race feel guilty for its progress is an odd thing to do. There's people on the Independent site talking about there only needing to be 1 billion people on the planet. That's all well and good, but what do they want to do with the other 5 and a half billion? Genocide? Who decides who lives and who dies? What criteria will they use? Its ridiculous to the point of absurdity, and what used to be funny to me is taking on a darker hume, as radical opinions are leading on to threats of death for 'non-believers'. Talk about a step back in time.

Imagine we were talking about race, and someone threatened death for anyone who agreed with multi-culturalism. They'd be extremely unpopular and considered some manner of right-wing extremist with dangerous opinions. We may only be talking about the weather, but the sentiment remains. Their behaviour would be deemed unacceptable, yet I can quite happily say we should hang 'deniers' and I'd be applauded for it.

I've pointed out in the past how many of these advocates of the new religion are anti-human. An appalling thing to be. How odd then, that their actions set out to save the very humans they purport to hate. It is odd, but many religions are full of contradictions.

A Reindeer Sauna

I have returned from Finland. A country that constantly amuses itself at other peoples inability to deal with a little bit of snow. Of course Finnish cars are equipped with special tyres so they can drive on surfaces we can't but still...doesn't explain why their airports are always open and ours can't handle a few flakes.

As we descended through the candy-floss clouds and into Helsinki, it was a joy to see the sun was blazing. Combined with the fresh, very fresh in fact, air of Finland it makes for an ideal environment for me. I loves it.

Our promoter met us at the airport which is customary, then led us to his van where he'd bought us each a welcome bag of various CD's and some confectionery. That is most definitely not customary, but it was very sweet of him. His name was Big Daddy. He was kinda big but not as big as Big Dave from Newquay. He's big that lad. Besides, most psychobillies are huge. To earn the nick-name prefix of 'Big', you'd have to be mahoosive.

Another joyous feature of Finland is that a lot of gigs tend to be in hotels over there. The same hotel you're staying in. So you can play rock star and sit in your room being moody until show time. That's if you want to be a twat of course, I'd rather hang about back stage drinking and being a rock star there.

Big Daddy treated us to a rather fine dinner. We all sampled reindeer soup, which tasted a lot like bacon. I then had Steak a la Maison, which is Finnish for A Nice Piece Of Steak.

The gig itself was nothing to write home about attendance wise. The town was rather isolated, even for Finland, and its rather confusing as to why the gig wasn't put on in Helsinki, rather than driving two hours away to play in a small town. We had fun though, and even though we hadn't played for over a month, there were some moments there when we were really "'avin it".

After the gig, we decided to sample the sauna. I'd never been in one before. I loved it. We were all in there enjoying it when the door opens and the sound man asks us if there were any more towels and could he join us. We said yes to both so he closes the door. A minute or so later he opens the door again and enters. Stark bollock naked. You know those times when you don't know where to put your eyes? That was one of those times. Conversations seem a struggle too. Blame the language barrier. Really its the fact that a strangers penis may be comparable in size to your own, but when you know you shouldn't be looking at it, it becomes the biggest thing in the room.

Showered and feeling like a million Euros, we decided we were hungry. At four in the morning there wasn't many places to eat but we ventured out anyway. As luck would have it, there was a burger joint round the corner from the hotel and the splendid lady within cooked us up some cheeseburgers and chips. Chuffed to fucking bits with our haul, we headed back to the hotel, commenting on how freezing it was and looking forward to our meal with many more beers. As we got to the hotel we pushed the door...it was locked. We knocked. Nothing. We banged on it. Nothing. We pressed the buzzer. Nothing. We looked to each other, and I can't speak for the others but I was wondering who would die from the cold first. Miles was the skinniest, so I was putting money on him. Steve W was the largest so he might have made it to the morning.

Thankfully after a good few minutes of panic, someone addressed our cries and let us in. The relief should be bottled and sold, it was that good. After a couple of hours sleep, we were on the road again. Sans breakfast.

We're back in Finland in April. It should be a better gig people wise. One thing about that damn country though; I always get shocks. Static shocks from everything metal I touch. Not sure why I seem to be the only one afflicted either.

We're off on tour this week. 9 days round Germany and the Netherlands. Should be interesting, I'm really looking forward to it.

Anti-Human

So I've left Facebook for a bit. No biggie, I'll be back. No-one's been crying about it, least of all me.

I have been questioned though, as to why I left a social networking site. Firstly, it was a tool of procrastination. Deadly when you're trying to get stuff done. Self-discipline is a good thing. I took my own toy away from myself, so I would stop playing with it.

Secondly, I grew tired of the anti-human stance that was being paraded around by some of my 'friends'. Those same friends won't be there when I go back on Facebook, I shall be culling the hell out of them. Sadly, their anti-human agenda is all too prevalent today.

The problem with the world today it seems, is people. The world is over crowded. We're using up all our resources. The whole damn party is getting out of control. So, logically the solution would be to put a stop to people giving birth. That's the first job. Secondly, to 'prune' humanity down here on earth right now.

Who to get rid of? How about the people moaning about how many people there are, and about how evil the human race is. The people that see humans as a cancer on the planet, purging it of its beautiful waters, destroying its eco systems. They clearly don't like this place, so they should go. Then who? What about that third world lot? They're clearly not contributing so give them the chop. Should free up some space.

I jest of course. Its an insane idea but seriously....what else is the solution then? There isn't one and...there shouldn't be a solution anyway because there isn't a problem. You're a human being, you have a right to be here, and you have a right to reproduce. Its how we perpetuate the species after all.

Environmentalists will tell you you're no good. You're no good for not caring. Fossil fuels you see. Evil things. Oil? Wouldn't go near it. Its the devil's semen.

Let's be stupid for a minute...

Plastics are made using oil. Examples of which include: Mobile phones, laptops, plugs, computer keyboards, pens, cooking utensils, many, many things.

Rubber is made using oil. Examples of which include: tyres. Roughly 10 per cent of a tyre is made from oil (synthetic, not crude). Your trainers too. Oh, and those little fings on the end of pencils.

Petrol and diesel are made from oil. Bless 'em.

So with all that in mind, how can anyone be angry at oil? How does the average environmentalist presume their food got to the shops? (diesel, made from oil, powers lorries and trucks that run on rubber, which is made from oil, and have cockpits made from plastic, which is also made from oil) How can an environmentalist use power at home? Not only would it require a plug (plastic), but also the power they use reliably comes from the burning of fossil fuels.

Oil is all around us. There is no way you can avoid it. Its a good thing.

I grew tired on Facebook, of people going on about the environment. WE are a part of the environment. As sure as fish, monkeys and elephants are, and I grew tired of feeling like I had to apologise for that.

The problem I had was, there was no arguing with them. There was no discussion. The climate change brigade have faith. Faith in science, until the science goes against their faith, then the science is wrong. You can't compete with faith. AGW is the new religion, and its followers are just as brain dead as a scientologists'.

Coupled with the blinkers, is a tremendous amount of aggression. Argue with one, you'll see what I mean. You can put 'There's probably no God' on a bus these days. A bunch of atheists did just that. It riled up a few grannies, that was it. But if you say 'Global warming is a myth' you'd better run, because they'll shout you down, bully you, call you a flat-earther, and get everyone to point and laugh at you.

I had the animals thing too. The notion that animals aren't aggressive like humans is crazy. Just crazy. Instinctual aggression is arguably more vicious than human aggression. We are aware of consequence, animals are not. My plan? Ban Walt Disney. His anthropomorphising has turned everyone soft. There is violence in the animal kingdom, and its the cute and fluffy ones you have to watch the most. One girl I was friends with on Facebook...she'd make you puke blood if you read her posts. Anti-human, pro-animal, complete bullshit. She won't be there when I return. She's first for the chop. At one point, she posted something inflammatory and pleaded with people to argue with her about it. Some tried, and she went mental at them for not caring.

This, this just won't do. The bleeding heart, 'look at me I give a shit' bollocks designed to make the bleeder feel good about themselves is what pisses me off the most. Their life is so empty, they struggle to fill it with purpose. I'd urge them to go and be a parent. It would be the biggest shift in their world they'd ever experience. But why would they want to know how special it feels to be a parent? Humans are bad, and this world is over-crowded anyway.

Andy Gray, Richard Keys - Loose Men

This is a hot topic right now, but it alarmed me today when my Psychology lecturer sided with the idiots and said it was right that Gray was fired and Richard Keys resigned.

If you don't know the story - presumably because you've been living under a rock on Mars - I am not about to relate it here. I could simplify it, although the PC among you may accuse me of missing the point through simplification.

Instead, lets look at 'sexism' in Britain today. I direct you firstly, to the most horrific, horrible, sickening bunch of bitches ever to grace our screens...the Loose Women.

Click on this clip, and watch just the first 32 seconds of it.

You'll see Jackie Brambles pull a sad face as if men are pathetic for making an issue of this, and you'll hear and see Coleen Nolan ask what the problem is with men being branded 'stupid and lazy'. They don't have a problem with that. Its okay to brand a gender stupid and lazy on national television. Now, get someone to go on TV and brand all women similar adjectives. You won't last five minutes.

Okay now STOP. If you're a woman...you may be smiling, you may be thinking this blog pointless or pathetic or just another 'man' not being a 'man' about things. You probably refuse to accept that there is a point here. Get on with it, right?

This is a huge part of the problem. The 'ladies' (yeah, right) on Loose Women can say what they please about men. The reason for this, is that there is a tremendous amount of pressure on men to cut down on sexism. They must be seen to be treating both genders equally. Women however, have no such pressure. Their behaviour - however sexist - is permissible. 'Man-bashing' comments are accepted and even encouraged.

This is not equality. Equality would be reserving the same scandalous face for Andy Gray as you did for Coleen Nolan. And that just did not - and will not - happen.

The hypocrisy is very real, and it shows no sign of stopping. The TV advert discussed by the sexist bastards on Loose Women was not banned, despite its derogatory portrayal of men. It was meant as a 'joke' Jackie Brambles tells us. Interesting how when its a joke about men its funny, and when its a joke about women, its sexist. Thankfully Lynda Bellingham tries to talk sense into the proceedings but is met with a rather weak excuse from former Mrs Chris Evans, Carol McGiffin, namely that women have been patronised for years in TV adverts.

So in the interest of equality and moving on...men should now get the piss ripped out of them? Progress.

As the discussion moves on, they almost come to their senses until Nolan steps up again with another sexist remark about men, and not women, doing DIY, "Why keep a dog and bark yourself?" is her opinion on it. Brilliant. Just imagine if that were a man talking about a woman doing cleaning on national TV. He'd be torn limb from sexist limb.

Following on from this, McGiffin makes reference to the size of her boyfriend's penis, saying "He's aVERY grown up man" and holding her hands some distance apart.

How is this any different from the exchange Richard Keys found himself in? If a male presenter talked about the size of his girlfriend's tits, what do you think would happen?

And the thing is, Keys was off air. The cunts on Loose Women are very much ON air, they know what they're saying and...here's the thing that really winds me up:

THEY GET AWAY WITH IT.

Feminism isn't about being more powerful than men, its about having the same rights as them. You need to tell more women this, they seem to have forgotten. I'm all for them having the same rights as us. I don't believe in glass ceilings, I think a woman should be on the same pay as a man if she's doing the same job as him. This is obvious stuff that sadly isn't happening. More does need to be done in those areas but you can see the gaps closing. Slowly but surely, women are catching up and its a splendid thing.

If you're a man out there reading this ask yourself: Would you press charges if a woman hit you?

I'm guessing the majority of you would say no. Why? A blow to your ego? Possibly. Its just not the done thing is it? But, in the name of all that's equal, it damn well should be. I don't agree with hitting women so by definition, I don't agree with hitting anybody. We're equal, and violence sucks.

Now check this out, there's no real need to watch all of it:

This was to be a meeting to discuss the possibility of giving male victims of domestic violence the same social services that are currently only available to women. See what happened? 'Feminists' - I use quotations because they're not feminist, they're sexist - charge in and start coming out with several different flavours of bullshit. What's wrong with giving men the same care if they've been abused? Equal, remember? I think, given the pressure on men to be tough, it was damn brave of those gentlemen to even attend and what happens when they do? A bunch of ignorant bastards storm in, too blinkered to realise that yes, you can commit a violent act against a man and yes, its still wrong.

I believe this hypocrisy should be addressed. Andy Gray has unwittingly stirred this up, and I hope people are paying attention and I hope they're smart enough to realise it stinks. Some women will dismiss it as 'whining' but you should ask yourself why they're doing that. Are they scared? Of what....equality? But that's what they're after isn't it?

A Useful Guide

Some may take this as preachy. Others may wonder what the hell I know. I care not, this is my space and I'll post what I choose.

I have spent the last 15 years playing in bands. I'd played in bands for a while before that but we rarely gigged and were very crap. Once I formed Far-Cue with Badger, we started gigging heavily. Once I joined Frenzy, I gigged even more. Both bands provided many lessons, many experiences that I wish to put forth now, so for anyone thinking of starting a band read on and learn from my errors. I see a lot of local bands doing their first or second gig and I feel that if they were armed with this guide from the start, the world would be a better place for them...and me.

1) You are not more important than the person standing next to you.

And I don't just mean your band mates, I mean the audience too. So you can play an instrument, so you can sing. How do you know what they can do? The ability to do something does not elevate you above those that can't do it. This rule should apply to everyone from Bono to Bad News Bob. You are not special. You are there to entertain, not so that people can kiss your ass.

2) Your gear does not define your talent.

So often I go and watch local bands who spend hundreds - sometimes thousands - of pounds (usually paid for by the parents) on gear and they're shit. "All the gear no idea" as someone once said. Learn to play well, both in private and in public first, then worry about spending money on gear. Let me tell you this: when you start gigging often enough you won't want to spend money on gear. Your instrument becomes worn and damaged, covered in beer and sweat, and it can break your heart.

3) Once you have set your gear up. LEAVE IT ALONE.

Guitarists are the worst for this, followed very closely by drummers. They set their gear up, dial in a sound and volume, then proceed to wank themselves silly playing their latest riff or fill, thinking that the whole venue is interested in just how well they can play. Once you've established that your gear works, why carry on playing? What are you achieving? If you have a problem, by all means sort it out but if you want to warm up your fingers you can do it unplugged. Drummers too, set your kit how you like it then leave it. Its not going anywhere.

4) Be a set-list Jedi.

If you're going to be brave enough to play your own songs in a new venue, consider throwing in a crowd-pleaser every now and then. Its a drain on your audience's patience to constantly throw your own material at them. Reward them for this patience with something they know. They'll thank you for it. Also, if you're unsure of how a song may go down, park it next to one you know will be well received. It's like giving it support.

5) Watch the other guy.

I've seen many new bands commit this crime. You're not the only one on stage. Just because a song has gone a certain way in rehearsal, it doesn't mean it will go that way live. Watch everyone else before a song starts and definitely as it ends. They may do something, they may not do something. There could a problem - a dropped stick, a broken string, someone tuning up. Someone could be wiping the sweat from their face and as such will be unable to come in. You'll never know if you don't use your eyes.

6) Don't expect your friends to support you every time.

Your first few gigs will no doubt contain a great many of your friends and family. They won't be there every time. They won't experience the same giddy thrill as you do when you perform. They're proud of you, they just have lives of their own. Besides, it's good to escape from that safety zone, it gives you confidence.

7) Respect the landlord.*

Or whoever owns the place or is putting the gig on. You are one of many bands they get to play and if you don't want the gig or think you're above it, they'll find someone else. Refer to point 1. You are not special.

8) Don't do it for the money.

Do it because you love it. When you stop loving it, quit. There will be very little money playing the toilet circuit, so you need to find another source of motivation.

9) Plug up.

I don't do this, and I don't know anyone else who does either but, take it from someone with perpetually ringing ears: wear ear plugs. Medical science has not yet found a cure for tinnitus.

10) Just because you've packed down, it doesn't mean everyone else has.

Drummers go through hell with their stuff. If you're the lead singer and only had to pack a mic away, don't be a cunt. Help people with their gear. You'd appreciate it, so will they. Refer to point 1.

11) Only ten per cent of your time in a band is spent on stage.

The other ninety is spent doing boring things like writing, rehearsing, web site-ing, networking, negotiating, fixing vans, stealing microphones. Its one of the reasons you should really enjoy the time you get to play because the rest of it is hell. If you don't do the boring stuff however, you won't get the good stuff.

* Some landlords are impossible to respect because they're idiots. Do not play their venues.

Furthermore, though you should be appreciative of the gig, don't be ripped off either. If YOU accept a low fee for playing, then the landlord will use this as a ball park or example for other bands and you'll drag everyone down to your idea of pay. Go too high however, and you won't get to play. Use your common, and your self-respect. People rarely see what goes on behind the scenes and as such they don't know how hard you've worked for that hour and a half on stage. Make sure your audience rewards you with appreciation and the landlord rewards you with beer and money.

Simple isn't it. Now go. Do.