Give 'Em Enough Pope

I was desperately trying to come up with a witty play on the word Pope for the title of this blog. Something like Pope Goes The Weasel. As you can tell, i failed.

So i'm pretty tired of people covering Facebook with anti-Pope remarks. In general i'm pretty tired of this wave of atheism. It's not so much the common observation; that atheists shove their atheism in your face as much as a Jehova's Witness knocking on your door, it's that people seem to mistake atheism for intelligence. It's like you can't possibly be intelligent if you believe in God. Einstein believed in God. He made reference to him many times, 'God doesn't play dice with the universe' was his retort when trying to dispel the Uncertainty Principle in Quantum Mechanics. Who wants to lock intellectual horns with Einstein? It's a crap argument, but it holds up here.

If you don't believe a higher power made the universe, that's fine. You carry on. I'm not convinced by the Big Bang either. It's a better theory scientifically, but it still doesn't hold up. If you consider the size of the universe (and there's some lovely web sites you can visit that take you on a virtual tour of the known universe), i expect that if someone did create this thing, they couldn't give a rat's rear what you think of it. You are so tiny and insignificant it's a wonder you bother to breathe. If someone else wants to believe there was a master mind behind it all, you leave them alone. If it doesn't affect you, why are you bothered with it? If someone believes in God, or Allah, or that Scientology crap, it doesn't mean they are stupid. It means their beliefs differ to yours. What's the big deal about that? No-one is right or wrong, because nobody knows what happens when you die. Feels like i'm stating the painfully obvious here.

As a budding Psychology student, i'm stupidly interested in the way the mind affects the body. Good mental health equals good health generally. There's a number of things that happen, chemically, when you're down that can drag your immune system down too and result in any number of cold or flu viruses that can make you feel a whole lot worse. It's unfair but goes hand in hand.

If i'm inaccurate here you'll have to forgive me, but if memory serves placebos were first used in World War One. The medics had run out of morphine but had seriously injured and dying soldiers screaming all around them for some kind of relief from the pain of a severed limb. Some bright spark - either on purpose or accidentally, i can't remember now - hooked up a saline solution either claiming or believing it to be morphine. It worked just the same. This is simply the power of suggestion. An idea was planted in the patient's mind, that the drug is a drug that will work, and the patient's mind did the rest. Social Psychologists use the same kind of idea with Priming, which is a very frightening way of getting someone to behave in a certain manner. It's basically suggestion, and people are so busy on auto-pilot, they fail to fight it off mentally.

This was taken a bit further in 1955, when a cardiologist from Seattle decided to fool patients into believing they'd been opened up and had surgery carried out on their heart. He really did do the surgery for some, but on others just made incisions around the heart area to give the impression they'd been opened up. And yes, both groups reported the same relief from their symptoms. Of course the medical fraternity went mental. What this guy was proving was that the operation didn't need to be done. That the chest pains were all in the mind, or at least, the pains are real but can be cured by the mind. Kind of puts a few of them out of work doesn't it?

There's plenty of remarkable stories about the placebo effect. In this day and age, Homeopathy is a shining example of the placebo effect being bottled and sold. Homeopathy is basically water. Yet people take it, and it has a positive effect on them. I don't agree with it. Someone rightly labelled it Snake Oil. But it works for some. It makes them better. Who am i to get in their face and call it bullshit? I don't want anyone to be ill, so if it works for them then i should be happy about it. It goes against every scientific bone in my aching body, but it works.

Back to the Pope then. And religion. For many, the Lord is a source of comfort. I too have felt very at ease and at peace when sat in a church. There's just something about it. To the believers, the peace i feel is the Lord. He's channelled through the steeple and straight into my heart. It's quite flattering but i don't buy it. It's quiet in a church. It's completely unthreatening. It's like sitting in a library. You don't have to do anything, just exist. Unless you work there of course. It's subjective and it works in the same way psychics and mediums do. If you want it to be real, it will be. If you're looking for the holes in a theory, you'll find them. There are no facts, only interpretations. And Nietzsche said that, so ner. I'll interpret it my way, and a God botherer will interpret it in theirs. Live. Let live.

If the presence of a God makes someone feel better mentally, if it makes them a happier, altruistic person more likely to inflict their good mood and altruism on everyone else, then in no way can believing in God be a bad thing. It's a mental placebo, but placebos work. Faith, for this is the crux of it all, is so powerful it should not be ignored. Regardless of whether this faith is drilled into a person from a young age or if they find Jesus in a jail cell in Arizona, the strength of it can do extra-ordinary things. A Christian's faith is way more powerful than any scientific evidence you can present to them. You will never win if their faith is unshakeable.

The damage religion has done to the human race must be addressed of course. From the Dark Ages to 9/11 and all points in between, religion has a lot to answer for. What about all the good though? What about the charity organisations and the volunteers that help to run them? If these people were spurned into action from reading the Bible, this is no bad thing. If these people believe that in doing this they will earn their cloud, halo, and harp then fine, snigger at them a bit but at least they're doing something. They're not sat there clutching A Brief History Of Time pretending they've read it, contributing nothing.

A long time ago in a galaxy that looked a lot like this one, Pope Leo the third crowned a Roman emperor. This established a link between the church and state. This meant that the Holy Roman emperors, followed by the kings of Europe, were given the glow of divinity. Crowds would gather, hoping to get a touch from one of these fellows. And guess what, in true placebo fashion, the 'royal touch' as it was known, was said to have cured thousands of people. It did this through belief.

The Pope is but a human being. However, in the minds of some he has been chosen by God. As such, one touch from him and things will be alright. There will be no scientific explanation, but the person that believes it will benefit from it. Yes, they are curing themselves from a mental problem or a physical one, but if it works then it's one less person in the NHS queue. It's one less person with a grey cloud over their heads, perhaps it's one less suicide and therefore one less person who has to walk in and discover that suicide.

This blog is simply not big enough to discuss all the pros and cons of religion and organisations like the Catholic Church. They have done bad, they have also done good. Probably a lot like you.
My beef is with the soapbox Atheists. A person of intelligence will hold out for evidence. A person of intelligence will think, discuss, evaluate, research, and then speak. They say the burden of proof isn't on them. Well, i think it it's just as much on them as it is on a priest. To say something doesn't exist....prove it. We haven't found a cure for cancer, but it doesn't mean there isn't one. I've got one odd sock, the other one is around here somewhere but i can't find it. Doesn't mean that other sock has ceased to exist.

Many years ago, Democritus came up with the idea of Atomos. It meant 'uncuttable'. It was the smallest piece of something you could possibly get to. Its where you can go down no further. This was ancient greece. It was a theory. Years later, we have atoms. We know they exist.
So, just because there's no evidence for something now, it doesn't mean there never will be.
Democritus was spot on, though he didn't know it at the time. He had no evidence, no empirical evidence, but he was right.

If i were God, i wouldn't make myself so easy as to be understood by a human. We understand so little, yet we claim to know an awful lot. The Bible claims God made man in his own image. But the Bible wasn't written by a God, it was written by a bunch of geezers. They didn't know. They had no idea. They were pissing in the wind, writing a story. The point (RB), is that their story has touched millions. In many cases for the better. In the case of a Jehova's Witness needing a blood transfusion, probably not so good. The women in my immediate family found great comfort in the church when my Dad died. Did he go to heaven? Not bloody likely! But they believed he did, they believe he has been forgiven, and they probably believe he's watching over them now.

This makes them feel better. In every way. Do i then thrust a copy of The God Delusion in their hands? Would that make me intelligent? No, it would make me someone so high on their own sense of self importance they've completely missed the point, and it would make me someone i'd rather not know.

Yes the Pope's visit is costing the taxpayer. So is the royal family. So is being in the EU. So are junkies and alcoholics. So are speed traps and Community Police Officers. So are green schemes and carbon credits. Take your pick, none of it is really an argument. Sadly we don't get to choose where our tax money goes. You are entitled to an opinion on it, but yours is no better or worse than mine, nor Abu Hamza's, nor the Archbishop of Canterbury, nor Stephen Hawking and definitely not Richard Dawkins'.

The Un-Examined Life

The other day i had a bunch of stuff to do. Things are hectic right now. I'm surrounded by boxes and bin bags. It's like putting your life through a seive and hoping the good stuff makes it through. Amidst the chaos i have to keep tabs on a number of forms and letters, all important for the things going on right now. Being unsettled and out of your comfort zone can make you edgy and frankly, when i go out and mix with the general public, i'm edgy anyway.

You know that film Falling Down? I'm a heartbeat away from being that guy, especially when i have to enter the concrete hell called a 'Supermarket'. When i was a kid, supermarkets sold food. Tinned goods mostly. Now, my local Sainsbury's sells everything. It's like a department store. As such, it commands attention not just from regular folk doing a weekly shop for groceries, but also those looking to clothe themselves on the cheap, or buy electronic goods from somewhere other than Argos. Couple this with it still being the ass end of the school holidays, and i picked a bad day to walk into Sainsbury's.

Before i even got to the Star Trek-esque doors that open for you, my pace of walking was forcibly slowed by a family in front of me. Now, before i go on i should make clear that i do have prejudices. Many of them. Not socially appalling or just plain dumb ones like racism or sexism. I have prejudices against chavs. Idiots. Boy Racers. Slags. You know the kind of thing i'm on about. If i see someone walking towards me with white track suit bottoms, a name brand t shirt, a baseball cap perched precariously on the head and the same swagger i saw Fiddy Cent do in his most recent video, i'm going to label him a dick. If that offends anyone, tough. I would put good money on me being right, and frankly if i was proved wrong, i'd be happy then too. I love situations where i can't lose!

So this family in front of me.....they were fat. Not appallingly fat like you see some women where you can't tell where their breasts end and their belly begins, just fat as in they'll be at the breasts/belly stage one day, but they're still working up to it. Fat girls - as three of them were - tend to wear figure hugging black leggings or other such attire. Not really sure what this achieves, but they all tend to do it. These three didn't let me down. They had that uniform and they wore it with pride. Since they slowed my pace, and i was no longer wrapped up in my own world and it's problems and how i just wanted to get in there, get some migraine pills and get back home to continue decanting 34 years into brown boxes, i was free to get a good look at these people.

We've all heard the speech......"It's glandular". I'm sure it is. Being dishonest with yourself is simple. I think we all are. Daily. It's called denial, and we do it consciously or otherwise. There is every chance that for some people, the problem is a fuck up in their bodies. The technical term 'fuck up' isn't new by the way, sorry if it threw anyone there. However the more likely scenario, is that fat cells are collecting due to a bad diet and lack of exercise. The third thing could be that it's a mental problem.....you're not going to be the prettiest girl in the class so you comfort eat your way out of it. If they're going to call you fat anyway, you might as well give them something to call you fat about.

Rather than looking down on this family, or dismissing them as fat and lazy, instead i thought about a quote i'd read earlier that day by the Greek philosopher Socrates. He said "The unexamined life is not worth living". He was defending his role as a philosopher, and he did so in a very elegant way. When i looked at the fat family i wondered if they were aware of how fortunate they are. To eat so much and work so little as to become fat, should be considered a luxury. Generations before us struggled, then they struggled with two world wars in just under forty years. They didn't have an obesity epidemic. Gluttony i thought, is a gift. It's a symbol of how well the human race is doing. In some quarters obviously. Areas of the world are still starving, there's an imbalance there, but i'm not addressing that here.

Once i got passed the fatties, i wondered further about everyone in the supermarket, and how self aware any of them were. It tied in with a book i'm reading about social economics, which describes how ignorant we can be of our everyday actions, and the effect they have on us as people, our well-being, and the way we interact with friends and family.

To go back to our chav friends earlier, the uniform they wear - that of the bad boy rapper - to me represents self denial. Wearing those clothes and walking like you have a butt plug inserted may make you feel like you'll pop a cap in the ass of anyone dumb enough to cross you, but most chavs are skinny fuckers aren't they? Clearly the attire and the swagger provide them with some degree of confidence, and they just run with it.

I've been told in the past that i look down on stupid people. This may be true, but who defines stupid? Stupidity is, like everything else - wealth, beauty, status - relative. Besides, i hate ignorance a lot more than stupidity. If you're stupid by choice, that is you don't want to learn, you don't want to improve yourself because you know it all anyway, then it's a form of ignorance and yes you're a dick. To be aware that you need to learn, that maybe you don't know it all and never will, that illustrates self-awareness. It proves that you've looked at yourself and acted upon what you've seen.

Our actions are governed by a number of things; brain chemicals, upbringing, past experiences and stimuli. I've recently read a book on the brain and the author, Susan Greenfield, was incensed at people who see the brain as a computer. Well sorry Sooz, but i go one step further. I think people are computers. In fact i think we're computer processors programmed to relate to our surroundings.

Where you sit right now, determines how you're acting. If you're in your house, in the warm, just reading this drivel, then you're quite comfortable. If it's YOUR house, you're probably more confident than someone who's renting. Just slightly, but it's enough to affect your actions out there in the big wide world. If you were reading this in Afghanistan, in the war zones, you wouldn't be sat there with a drink and smoke. You'd be running for cover to avoid whizzing bullets.

Why? Because your brain has taken in information from the outside world and you act upon it in the way it considers best. That's it. That's your life. The way you act upon it is determined by many different things as listed above, and it's enough to make us all individual - especially the upbringing part. Our glorious individuality though, is just a reaction to the world. To use an extreme example such as Afghanistan is just there to prove a point. Some people wouldn't run for cover, some people would try and be a hero, others would simply freeze. It's how you're wired, and it's how you're wired on that particular day too.

The fat family will continue to eat more than they should. They'll become ill quite early i expect. Diabetes, fluid in the ankles, high cholesterol and risk of heart attack. To me, these things could happen to any one of us. I don't find it sad. Illness and death are inevitable. I find the idea that they've never looked at themselves long enough to avoid those things a great deal more tragic. The mirror can be a scary place but it's what everyone else sees. Those brave enough to be comfortable with the person staring back at them have my respect. Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts have done that. They've examined their lives and made a change because they've had to. The rest of us carry on the lies we've become comfortable with because it gets us through the day. I don't think it's enough to just 'get through' life. I think it'd be a whole lot more fun to enjoy it, and i don't think you can do that until you know who you are and what you want. This year i've took great leaps towards discovering the answers to those things, which is why i'm surrounded by bin bags and brown boxes....

Moat, Sympathy and the Media

Some things are what's known as 'cut and dried'. In other words there's little ambiguity, there's little room for debate. It is what it is, and unless you're pedantic or into meta-physics, perhaps you could do better things with your time rather than questioning it.

I confess to not being in the loop as much with the news these days. I find it selective, biased, sensationalist, and i view it as adding fuel to a fire. After a little self-research into the global warming debate, i was alarmed at the inaccuracy in the media, and the way such inaccuracies were sucked up by the populace. News, i thought, is bad for the mind.
As such, i knew the name Raoul Moat, but knew little else except that he was a man - possibly armed - in poor mental health. Not a good thing, so he was labelled a threat to both police and the general public. As it all went on i started following it more intently, and chose to read from several different sources to get the whole picture.

Raoul took his own life after a stand off with the police. Now, there are two schools of thought here, one is saying - Good riddance to a real piece of shit, and the other - He was a folk hero, let down by the system and shit on by his girlfriend.

I find little suprise in the way that Moat cut his hair into a mohawk near the end of his days. If you're wondering why, you haven't seen the Scorsese film Taxi Driver, where DeNiro's character, Travis Bickle, cuts his hair into a mohawk before he goes off on his killing spree. DeNiro himself came up with that idea, after conversing with a chap from Special Forces who said that Special Forces Ops used to do that in Vietnam so that their colleagues would know they were due to go off on a mission and would leave them alone so they could get in the right head space.

I don't want to get into the whole 'movies influence society' debate. What i want to say is, in the movie DeNiro's character ended up a hero himself. Lauded for taking on the pimps and the bad guys. As the nation grows increasingly frustrated with the police in this red tape age, anyone seen to be mocking or ridiculing them is met with childish support. To threaten to kill them however, takes us to a whole new level.

The story goes Moat was released from prison, and to say he felt down on his luck is a bit of an understatement. He moaned on his facebook page that he'd lost his business, his kids to social services, and his girlfriend to a copper.
I don't think it takes a genius to figure out that all of that is Moat's own fault. He was in prison for assaulting a nine year old child. His own child, to be precise. No-one else did that, he did. He did the time for it. Prison is not a time capsule. Things, and people, move on whilst you're in there. When you come out, you need to adjust. Moat seemed intent on blaming everyone else for his shit state, rather than heading towards a mirror and giving himself a good hard look.

I'd like to point and laugh at Moat (now he's dead of course, i would not have done so had he been in front of me), but sadly the blame game carries on. The parole board is to blame for releasing him. The police are to blame for frying him with a Taser. His friend McAllister is blaming the police for not watching his house, since Moat went there twice. It's his girlfriend's fault for saying she was seeing a police officer when she wasn't, so she's to blame too. The media, they were asked to stop broadcasting negative things about Moat as it was only making him angry, and you wouldn't like him when he's angry, so the media are to blame.....nothing new there then.

On and on, with little regard for common sense. When i used to hang around pubs a lot more than i do now, i'd see many violent encounters. Big chaps, fuelled by ego and alcohol, threatening to kill each other. 'Rip your fuckin head off'.....'Fuck you up'.....'You're fuckin dead'.....the list of threats goes on. Of course, it never happened. Most times i'd see them drinking together the next day. However, people seem to think that Moat should not have been released because he made a threat. How many threats have you made? Both to people, and inanimate objects for ruining your day? Should we put you in jail? Is it the same thing? If you say "Well no, but then i havent been put in jail for a violent assault"....are you saying we should not let out anyone with a history of violence if they say anything remotely threatening to anyone?

Two more things have transpired today, one, that Moat asked for psychiatric help but never got it. So now we blame the system again right? Well he did get given appointments but never turned up, so now who do we blame.....oh wait, it's Moat again. The other thing is that Moat was a police informer. This is how he was let off when convicted of possessing a knuckle duster and a samurai sword.

To those giving sympathy to this asshole, this bullying, steroid-fuelled, selfish, thick, murdering motherfucker, i say you're not thinking enough. In fact, you're probably not thinking at all.

Though there are instances in the case of Raoul Moat that may need to be scrutinised and learned from, the fact remains that he was a cunt. He was a danger, but only through his own actions.This blaming bullshit....it has to stop.
He's gone now, and that's fine with me. I could not believe it when there was outcry that the police had used Tasers after Moat had shot himself. Would you have approached the still-warm body of Raoul Moat? Knowing what he was capable of? Knowing he had a shotgun in his hands? Fuck you i wouldn't. I'd have tasered him until he was well done. Fuck, i'd have caused an emergency for the national grid, as i constantly re-charged my Taser to blast him time and time again.

Once again it's those that aren't there, that aren't in that situation that claim they know best how to handle it. They preach from a safe zone, where they have no frame of reference. I wouldn't dream of telling a brain surgeon how best to operate, nor would i try and tell the police how to do their job. Moat left behind a mess, but he also left behind lessons. Those are the things we learn from in a positive manner.

Birthday Bloggery

Einstein said that the only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once. Birthdays and New Years and Christmases all mark the passage of time. Of course Christmas and New Years are bullshit. Not only is Christmas on the wrong date, but new year is only a new year according to the Gregorian calendar, which doesn't account for the earth's real age of 13 and a half billion years.

I feel pressure to celebrate my birthdays in a certain way. Alcohol is a given. I feel pressure to get drunk for some reason. It won't happen. Not tonight Josephene. In truth i see no point at all in celebrating getting older. Older and wiser they say. Yes, i can see that. Older and more jaded, bitter, opinionated. I can definitely do those things. Fact is i feel no different today than i did yesterday, except that now i'm reviewing the last year and feeling like i'm still not living up to my own expectations.

The other point is i feel no different today than i did when i was 24. Will it always be like this? Only with stiffer bones? Stop sniggering at the back. Space and time are intrinsincally mixed. As you move through space, so too do you move through time, and the faster you go the more time alters. But, the kicker is that it only alters for you. You can travel through time in one way, while the rest of us are just living it one second at a time. This indicates that there was no master clockmaker as a diety, who wound the universe up and then just left it to tick away second by second. Your life might be going painfully slow right now, and someone else's is steaming along, and yet we're all living 24 hour days. We're all living in our own universe, our own space and time, and its a spooky thing.

I think when you get to this age, birthdays are great if you can share them with someone. Someone who knows what makes you tick, and what would make you happy. I believe birthdays shouldn't involve any effort from you to make it a good time, it should all be done for you. Tonight, i either have to make my own fun or i'm stuck at home again, and being stuck at home on your birthday isn't a cool thing to be.

Last year, my ex-girlfriend took me London to see Derren Brown. I knew nothing of it beforehand, she woke me up, tickets in hand. That's the kind of thing i'm talking about, that's the kind of birthday to have when you realise you don't really get presents anymore, just cards and best wishes. I've missed seeing her this year, and i've definitely missed being suprised by someone that knows me that well.

My son still has BIRTHDAY birthdays, and he already has his birthday list ready for September. I'm sure it'll all change before then, but having a present in mind, and secretly knowing you're likely to wake up to it on the day of your birth used to be many an exciting thing.

Maybe that's what i'm getting at. Today hasn't been exciting, it's been mildly depressing and the thing that's adding to the depressing feeling is that it's only me that can do anything about today. It's only me that can turn it around. I don't feel up to it this year, i'm getting too old for it.

Burrough-ing Underground

Friday night i decided to take in the new Nic Cage movie, Bad Lieutenant. Nic Cage has made some duff choices in his career - not least financial - but when he's on, as in Wild At Heart and Leaving Las Vegas, he's a blinding actor. Bad Lieutenant needed to impress me, as they all but stole the title and idea from Abel Ferrara, who also made a film called Bad Lieutenant with Harvey Kietel, which was so close to the knuckle i'm suprised it ever got released.

Anyway, as i wondered through the open sewer that is Bath city centre on a Friday night, i approached a homeless chap sat on the floor, his jacket in front of him with a few bits of loose change in it. Feeling affluent and in need of good karma (if you do something specifically to gain good karma you never get good karma do you?), i went to give him some change. As i got closer i could hear him mumbling away to himself. It was like a stream of consciousness kind of thing, and i strained to filter out the crap and see if there was anything coherent going on. I reached down to drop change in and the homeless guy stopped his rambling, looked me in the eye and said 'Now do you know what the truth is?' He then looked away and continued with his babbling.

Things sometimes seem like such a good idea don't they? I get told by some people not to give money to homeless chaps for various reasons. Commonly they are 1) They may not be homeless. To this i say they still deserve money for dressing and smelling like that and hanging on a street corner in the cold. 2) They'll only spend the money on drugs and booze. To that i say so would i in their position. And i'll probably only spend my money on booze anyway. If you're going to fake being homeless and be such a good method actor you're willing to learn how to babble incoherently for hours on end until someone approaches you and you can then freak them out with a crazy ass sentence......you still deserve money.

Einstein was brilliant enough to realise that time is relative. The faster you go, the slower time goes until you get to the speed of light. Then some very odd things start to happen. If you were to travel very very very fast, your time would pass slower than mine. Time then, is subjective. Albert also said that time and space are intrinsincally linked. This isnt just a theory either, we know this to be true as the Hubble telescope has taken snap shots of galaxies in their infancy. It basically looks back in time and it can do this because it can see so far away.

In the same way, many people consider truth subjective. Do i know what the truth is Mr Homeless Freak Out Man? I know what the truth is according to me. I never tire of saying there's always three sides to a story. There's the two protagonists view and then there's what really happened.

Anyone who's experienced a nasty argument or the pain of a relationship breaking down, can testify that the truth is a very shady area. You know what really annoys me? When people say "I didn't lie, i just didn't tell you everything". As if concealing the truth isn't telling a lie. I believe it is.

William Seward Burroughs was an author. He was part of a splendid collection of reprebates called the Beat Generation. Burroughs was the oldest one. He labelled himself a 'queer', and was homosexual throughout his life. Although he tried to become a straight man by getting married to Joan Vollmer and having a kid, Burroughs couldn't deny who he was. I'm not homophobic, but i can say i've never had any gay tendencies. I will say though, that Burroughs made a good point about gay sex, when he pointed out that at least with gay sex you know exactly what the other person is feeling, and you know what to do to make the other person feel good. Us men we fumble and stumble, searching for the fabled 'G spot' and if we're lucky we brush past the clitoris on the way. Like Burroughs said, if you're sleeping with someone of the same sex, you know what to do as you've done it to yourself through numerous masturbation sessions.

Burroughs was famous for his book, Naked Lunch. A really fucked up thing i can't even begin to describe. Forget the Cronenberg film, its not worth talking about. The other thing Burroughs was famous for was shooting an apple off his wife's head at a party. Burroughs loved guns bless him. He was a good aim too. But not that day. He shot and killed Joan and fled from Mexico.

Aaaanyway. Burroughs' Grandfather invented the Burroughs Adding Machine. As such, his family came into a great deal of wealth. Burroughs received regular monthly payments to fund his drug and alcohol habits, much to the understandable anger of his parents. It was Burroughs view that the truth lay with the underground. Much like Dostoyevsky. Burroughs was rich, but chose to hang around with people like Huncke the Junky in New York. He did this believing that the underground, bohemian characters knew more about life than anyone else, and he wanted a part of it.

For many these days to be down and out, to be beat, to be bohemian, is nothing more than a fashion statement or a load of student posturing. A bunch of people read the seminal works of the Beats - On The Road by Jack Kerouac, Howl by Allen Ginsberg, and Burrough's Naked Lunch, and basically built the sixties out of it. I assure you the shockwaves are still reverberating now. On The Road was written using the same stream of consciousness as my friend the Homeless man. Kerouac would hitch coast to coast with only a few dollars in his pocket, i can't see too many doing it now without the back up of a credit card.

I don't know what the truth is when it comes to being homeless. I can't even begin to imagine how that must be. I do know that the homeless guy's words stayed with me as i made my way into the thankfully very empty Little Theatre. The film was very good. Well, it was made by Werner Herzog. How can you not be good at things with a name like that? As i made my way back to my vehicle, through the drunks and the slappers, i looked for the homeless guy again. He had gone. Gone to carry on writing his book in his head. Gone to ask more do-gooders searching for good karma existential questions. Gone to experience a life i hope i will never have to know.
And that's the truth.

A Joke

"A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in"

There's a Greek proverb for you. And, all things being equal, it's a stunner.

I am a little tetchy sometimes with our left-wing hand wringing moralisers when it comes to the subject of the environment. Of course the environment must be protected, but i tire of people saying it will 'be the end of the world'.

Noooooo. You see, the world will always be here until the sun dies. It's held in place with some very basic laws of physics. What you mean is, WE won't be here if we keep on the way we are and, some might say that's a good thing.

And why might that be a good thing? Because despite efforts to the contrary, those that can do what the Greek proverb encourages us to do, seldom do it.

And a case in point is the little 'joke' left behind by Liam Byrne, telling his successor there's no money left in the treasury.
I don't know about you, but i do enjoy dark humour. Forrest Gump for example. That's black humour of the highest order. A retarded chap all but changes the world while his girlfriend fucks every hippy this side of Charles Manson, then finally fucks Forrest before dying of something one can only assume to be AIDS. The fact that she gave birth to a child - probably whilst infected - means he too stands every chance of being infected, dying early and leaving our loveable retard without his true love and child.

Pass the needle, i think my sides have split.

If i can see humour in that, surely i can see humour in Liam's message?
Well no....no i can't. I know politicians aren't robots, and that many - John Major being a shiny example - are grey and boring. Surely the odd rib tickler here and there should be accepted with open arms?

It would be, except for two factors:

1) Imagine if Labour had won. That means we still wouldn't have any money, but they'd be hiding the fact. I wonder how much more debt we would have got into while they held the reigns for another 4 years.

2) It feels like they fucked it up on purpose, knowing someone else would have to clean up their shit. Again.

You know those times when you're doing something either in anger or the name of fun, and you don't really realise the full implications of what you're doing until after you've done it?

During the election campaign, i was so eager for Labour to piss off, i never fully grasped what the alternative was. Labour did piss off....eventually, and now i look round to see the result. I got my way and i'm left with the Tory party. A coalition no less, but a Tory party at heart.

I get confused at those branding Tories as 'toffs'. Most MPs are. Mandelson - the backbone of New Labour - is a Lord. Don't see many working class Lords these days i gotta say. What you mean to say is, the Tories look out for toffs. That's what you mean to say. Get it right.

I hope that this new coalition - which we know will never work but hopefully the Demmers can do some good while they're on the peripherals - will begin following the proverb. Start planting trees - not necessarily literally - that future generations can sit under, because just leaving a note around confessing you've handled the situation appallingly, isn't going to help anyone.

Cardiac Anorak

I haven't listened to Cardiacs for a while. I think i over did it. That, and the fact that their lead singer, Timmy Smith, is very ill and there probably won't be any new Cardiacs albums for a while, if ever.

I urge you to listen to some Cardiacs if you can. It's not everyone's cuppa splosh but it may just yank your chain.

So here is my idea of a compilation for you. It will give you a good introduction to Cardiacs, and to go along with it, i'll give you an insight into the songs and my take on them.

I'd start with:

1) Baby Heart Dirt from On Land And In The Sea.
Timmy Smith is a fan of literature and poetry. The rumour goes that Baby Heart Dirt are three words found on the same page of a Charles Dickens novel, though i forget which one. He obviously just saw them and thought they looked good together. Initially i thought it was a William Burroughs style cut up.
The track itself displays most things Cardiacs deal with; a flirtation with ska, plenty of odd time signatures and atonal riffery.
RB thinks that at one point this track sounds like a news bulletin. Ever since she said that it's all i can think about when i hear it but don't let this stop you. This is a great place to start.

2) Tarred And Feathered - Single
The riff to Tarred And Feathered is a joy to listen to, and a wonder to think how it was composed. At points it sounds like a Tom & Jerry soundtrack. It's also one of the few tracks where you are aware that Cardiacs did have a percussionist at one point, Tim Quy. Some splendid lyrics with this, " A slice of life, a piece of mind, laid on a plate of my own kind, i take a key from the gravy and unlock the cage that holds the ravens in. " They should be made to study this stuff for an English Degree.

3) Big Ship - Single
This is the first song i ever heard from Cardiacs. The pleasure for me? It was live too. They were supporting the Wildhearts and i desperately wanted to get there early and hear what the Cardiacs were all about. Sadly, my travelling companions both dillied and dallied and we got there for Cardiac's last song. This was it. I remember standing there in awe saying to myself, "You can't use those chords. Not in that order. And you certainly can't change them there." But Cardiacs were doing, in magnificient style, flanked by two female singers who occasionally added to the cacophony by banging on big bass drums. When the end Coda came in with "All of the noise take me to the outside where there's all creations joining in celebrating happiness and joy all around the world. On land and in the sea", there was a party of 5 or 6 at the front singing it at the top of their voices and it was quite something, as even though they were small in numbers they made it sound like a congregation in church praising the Lord.
Some say this song is about a visit to the dentist and it wouldn't suprise me. It starts with "Pretty teeth scrape-y clean with a wind up machine", and there's evidence in the lines "We grin like alligators, assist with apparatus", and, "The room's too warm and lit with McDonald's lighting".
So it looks like it could be dental, until it goes on to "...the tool forever falls down, planes against the grain of the wood of the box for my soul, And my aching heart..."

Over to you with that one.

4) The Duck And Roger The Horse - from On Land And In The Sea
If you ever wanted to hear madness, this is it. Beginning with unsettling whispers and keyboard riffs in the background, it suddenly explodes across your speakers with Tim yelling "Duck tells me i must look a treat, i look my best so i tell him" and gets even more bizarre from there. Music stops and starts for no reason and melodies and hooks fly in and out of the shop for no reason i can fathom except that they work. Then, after a circus style melody, the music goes heavy as a very heavy object but instead of Tim screaming about being one step closer to the edge and about to break, he chooses to yell "Horsey going round with his little wheel on the floor sulking in the cupboard is a horsey going round with his little wheel on the floor" etc Not quite appealing to the emo crowd there. At the end, a very warm bass note fades in. From an album with very brittle production, it's probably the warmest thing on there. When heard at volume, it can make your bowels loosen. Recommended.

5) RES - I choose the live version from Garage Concerts Vol ii
No-one really knows what RES stands for, though there's speculation that it's Really Easy Song. Of course that'd be a joke. Ha ha. RES is extremely complex, and this live version even more so. The riff sounds like something annoying a child would wind you up with if given a toy keyboard for Xmas. There's many different parts to this song, and i'd love to know how it was written, if it was just thrown together or if there was a master plan in Timmy's mind. I'd guess at the latter. This version sadly doesn't feature the grand, bold trumpets that blast from the studio version at the end, but it works for me due to its extended take on the riff, the guitars filling in for trumpets, and the fact that it has the extended ending. Oh to be able to play this live.

6) Stoneage Dinosaurs - from Songs for Ships and Irons
Mr. Smith seems to be infatuated with the two world wars, and you'll find reference to them in many Cardiacs songs. I believe this song is about people whose stars have faded, and have sunk into obscurity. There's so much space in this song, and it feels like the chord changes are one too many. Like it doesn't fit, but it does........beautifully. The two first lines here "Wishing for money, is a man growing old and he, breaks our knife edge, with his care for the ordinary" are stunning. By the end of the song, there's so many string overdubs it's hard to tell what's the melody but as i said previously, it all works. Also, the sax solo makes me want to learn sax so i can transfer it to guitar, just like Allan Holdsworth does for all you Jazz / Fusion fans.

7) Fiery Gun Hand - from Sing To God Part 1
As with a lot of favourite songs i suppose, this reminds me of a particular time. Frenzy had gone to the Channel Islands to play some gigs and i had this song on constant repeat on the mp3 player. I was fascinated with it. The guitar solo is amazing, and it becomes even more so when you hear that 'Random' Jon Poole (for tis his name) laid down a guitar solo one night and was absolutely chuffed with it. Claimed it to be the best thing he's ever done. He tottles off, Timmy gets on the mouse and proceeds to chop and cut up Poole's solo, re-arranging it all so it goes off in every direction. Next day, Random comes in and hears what Tim's done. I guess i would have been angry too, until i heard it. It's genius, no other word for it. No idea what it's about, though religion suggests itself in some of the lyrics.

8) Goodbye Grace - from Heaven Born and Ever Bright
This is a break up song. And it's a Cardiacs break up song, so it's nothing Bridget Jones would put on. Not sure where the chorus is, but once i realised it was a break up song, the lyrics "Goodbye grace, lost my face, burned it shrivelled in the human waste" made sense. I realised it was about burning photographs and putting them in the bin. Also he sings "You wanted it too, didn't you dear? Yes say goodbye", as if to express regret at what's happened but that it's best for both of them, and that he was the first to spot the signs so put it into action. While the track is chaos from start to finish, there is a break down and it's here that i think Tim puts his finest lyrical moment (that's saying something), when he says " Put a hand to a heart, And a heart beats a path for a soul, A solitary cloud, A love of a life in a world of it's own". And, when someone does leave you they create a world without you, and that can be as painful as the break up. There's references to dogs in this song which you may think could be about who keeps the family pet, but Tim makes reference to dogs in many Cardiacs songs. Here, he sings "Comes his eyes, comes his fur, comes the ugly dog, HIDE" And the first time he sings the word hide, he holds it for 13 beats, the second time - 29 beats. Why?

9) Bell Clinks - from Sing To God Part 2
"Isn't life a breeze when the treasures in the trees, and i possess longer arms than you or anyone else?"

Nuff said

10) Dirty Boy - from Sing To God Part 2
This song is Epic with a capital EEEEEE. I'm rather chuffed with this, as on a Cardiacs forum i correctly worked out what this was about, where others had failed. Mwahahaha. It's about a boy who is born into a religious family and gets caught masturbating over racy magazines so his parents kill him. "Spiny grip brings all, off Mister Regal Jelly in hand" Masturbation, right? When this album was released people said this song could not be played live. Cardiacs proved them wrong, and i've been lucky enough to witness it. In the middle of this song, there is a section that ascends one semi-tone each time around, adding more layers of music as it goes. Eventually it just has to give in, seemingly under it's own weight. Like a song reaching light speed and therefore infinite mass. At the end, there's a note that is held by Tim for over two minutes. Obviously it was studio trickery, but the waves and warbles and vibrato in his voice make it seem very real. Live, the two girls seem to circle each other with it, but it all still works. If you look up the word 'Etheral' in the dictionary, there should be a speaker with this song playing next to it.

11) The Everso Closely Guarded Line - from On Land And In The Sea
To me, this is the sound of someone going mad. And prehaps the everso closely guarded line is the line between sanity and insanity. Tim shrieks that there is life in him left, and at one point instead of a lyric there's just the sound of laughter. I hope there is life in Tim left, and that he recovers from his stroke as well as can be expected.

Now i know i've left out a bunch of great stuff. Including my funeral song, "The Whole World Window". But, this isn't my idea of a best of, it's an introduction and a way in. Cardiacs songs are now up on iTunes, so download these, in this order, and enjoy the madness.